Overstimulated.
I’m so tired.
The sun comes out and even the hermits come out to play- including me. I’ve been continuously nerve wrecked for upwards of 10 years now, but the self-acclaimed socialite in me loves a drink and a good time in the daylight with my favorite people. Braving the panic in exchange for the memories is always worth it, until it’s not. That’s usually in extremely social and elongated situations.
I’m very fortunate to work at a couple of Chicago music festivals a year, but this year’s Sueños was… different. Usually the bellowing and melodic “untz” of the music and buzz of chatter and laughter makes me happy. I’m able to move about without constraint, anxiety be damned. I’m used to the awful decompression after constant interaction for 10 hours a day, but something about this year’s “during” sent me into a spiral.
The music was too much… far too loud. The sun in my eyes made my head pound, and I was one casual conversation away from hiding behind the port-a-potty’s for the remainder of the shift. I hadn’t eaten and couldn’t find our group’s lunch bag; my eyesight began to blotch. The patrons just kept coming. My morning was chaotic and I still hadn’t had time to process off of merely 4 hours of sleep. There were 7 hours left in the shift. There was no way I was making it the next day.
And, I didn’t.
The day ended, and the pressure subsided… then doubled down. As we slowly made our way through the throngs of people, back to the parking garage, my stomach started to turn. My mask fell and I couldn’t hide my discomfort any longer, falling completely silent. My legs started to feel weak as my heartbeat danced and sweat beaded on my forehead and nose. All I could do was focus on not letting the tears fall as my knees started to buckle- it was enough that my mask already gave way. I needed to stop for a break but didn’t want to be a burden. No one asked, and I didn’t tell.
Overstimulation is manageable up until it isn’t. Many people understand general anxiety, and even panic, and while it’s true that overstimulation comes with the territory of the aforementioned, few understand that temporary distraction won’t make it disappear for all. Unfortunately, this part of my life is something seldom talked about and seldom understood. So when I have to, I hide from the sun. I hide from the laughs and drinks and fun until my nervous system wants to cooperate. I hide so I don’t ruin everyone’s beach day.
I’m so tired.
