Summertime Sadness

I’m a little sad today.

Nothing is wrong; it’s a beautiful day out, the sun feels great and it’s 80 degrees. It would be amazing if the weather felt like this year-round. I’m sitting inside, listening to some Summer Walker, dyeing my hair, and counting my breaths and the minutes as the clock slowly makes its way to 7. It’s only 4 now.

I’m feeling edgy in the worst way. That’s the thing about anxiety- sometimes it just doesn’t care about the circumstances. Nothing is here to trigger me but the future… and really, it’s not even here yet. Try reaching my rational mind with that one.

Tonight I’m supposed to be meeting my friends for drinks; the usual. Close to home, just how I like it. I’ve become used to the chatter, music and clank of pool balls at our local dive, and might even like it once I’m there despite my overstimulation issue. I’m really able to hone in and focus on the people I love while I’m there because they always make it a point to be present with me.

So why am I panicking?

I’m watching now as my leg bounces. I’m biting my lip to the point of pain just speaking on this feeling. My head is spinning and my nose is sweating, both telltale signs of an oncoming internal meltdown. I can’t verbalize this fear- the idea of letting loose for a night and attempting to ignore the gnawing inside of me. The thought of losing it in the middle of the bar, and diving into the bathroom for safety. The thought that no one will be there for me, even though that’s wholly untrue.

I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with my mind.